The Soul Sucking Black Star of Motherhood

This past Tuesday morning I earned a soul sucking black star of motherhood! That’s right, I said the black star. Oh, you’ve never heard of the black star of motherhood? Well good! I hope you never do, but just so that you have a point of reference, the soul sucking black star is the antithesis to the shiny ego boosting sticker slick gold star of everything that is good in the mother hood!

To be fair to myself I do try to hold myself up to some really, really, really far out of my reach role models: my mother (if you know Patty you know I am never reaching that goal, even though she wouldn’t say that, then there is my sister in law Susan whom I swear God used up everything perfect with, again I know she doesn’t think that but I do, and then last but not least my best friend Becky who seems to take everything life throws at her and tosses it back with a laugh). Frankly all three of those ladies deserve every bit of praise that comes their way! Then there is me…some days I think I was put together with paper scraps from a kindergarten class. Ok enough self pity….back to the black star…

So Tuesday morning I was asked to give a brief presentation to some really important people at work about some of the great things we are all doing. The presentation was slated for 7:30 am, I take my daughters to school usually at 7:45am and work is 45 min away. No worries! I preplanned their morning ride, was up extra early, had their clothes clean, dried and ready to go, a rather lovely breakfast prepared (to make up for my rushing off), extra special lunches packed and book bags, coats and boots neatly waiting by the side door. Seriously! True Story!

The morning was going great! Daughter one up and fed, daughter two up (I am leaving in 5 minutes), as she comes downstairs and I start to show her where her breakfast is my 13 year old very calmly (in a way I never heard her before) states that the toilet is overflowing upstairs. Not to worry, she says, if I will stop the water from running she will clean it up (awww). Of course I say no…. I run upstairs as the soul sucking black star slowly starts to take over, where I see at least an inch of water, I stop the water from running, then run downstairs for more towels only to observe my daughter staring at the ceiling in horror as it is raining…INSIDE!

Now I am in full blown Death Star mode! Not my most shining moment (I do actually have some though….). My oldest knows I have a work presentation that morning and she remains remarkably calm and I realize for the first time in awhile, that she actually cares about me (I knew she loved me, but she also cares!). And, where I, the 43 year old mother, was unable to demonstrate grace in a situation that certainly demanded it, my daughter, actually both of my daughters, were able to make up for my inadequacies and display grace when I could not. At my eldest’ urging to leave so not to be late and reassurance that all would be ok, I left.

And after 15 minutes when I could again think straight, I cried. Because in that moment of my second floor leaking into my first, my mascara leaking into my blouse, one of my worst mom moments ever, I realized I had just experienced an answered prayer and a realized dream for my daughters.

While I had a speech prepared for the morning, I was not at all happy with it and had been praying for days that God would provide me with the right words to say. The events of the morning would become the theme of my speech (an answered prayer). By the way, God knew what He was doing!

Next up, a realized dream….From the moment I knew I was to give birth to a daughter and then two years later a second daughter my hopes and dreams for them would that they be happy in whatever they chose to do and most importantly, each be a better woman than I am. Their ability to demonstrate grace at their age when I could not at mine brings me great pride and much peace, because already they are better than I am (thus a realized dream).

So, while Tuesday morning went nothing like I planned and I over-reacted to an ordinary everyday situation like a complete lunatic I earned my soul sucking black star and I wear it with pride! Because I know that my daughters are amazing and going to be just fine, despite their mother!